I nearly published something this week that could have been very hurtful. I’d considered entitling it “home truths”, but I thought better of it. I’d been told that some of my posts had offended someone, who considered that what I’d written was about them.
Mate Break-ups (not a bad Jen Aniston remake.)
Now, in some of my posts I am directing my comments at a person (like Lily Allen in my review of her recent album, or gay celebrities in my post about why they should be Out). Sometimes I name the people I’m talking about, directly or not, like my open thank you after my birthday or my discussion of a recent- rather traumatic- hairdresser experience. But if I’m speaking in the abstract, and you feel it’s aimed at you, that’s a different issue all together.
I mean- I can’t publish all of my posts with a lengthy disclaimer to confirm who they’re not about.
But this week I did post something on Twitter that was aimed at someone. I was upset and frustrated and I should have kept it to myself.
Now, that was silly of me.
I have an issue with friendships. I’m stubborn and hold a grudge and don’t give second chances easily.
I’m from the school of thought where if a friend doesn’t have time to be friends then they’re no friend at all. If that made sense to anyone except me? I’m not asking for constant attention, or even to see you all the time. But I would like to know you actually care.
With some people it’s out of sight out of mind. Other seem to disappear when the seas are rough- kind of fair weather friends. Or there’s the polar opposite of them; those who love the drama and like to be part of it when shit hits the fan.
Sometimes you meet someone and you hit it off, and you know they’re a keeper. That happened with my mate Shelley (this is a part where I’m doing that thing where I’m talking about someone and saying their name, so you can be sure that it’s not you, unless you’re Shelley- then it is you.) We met on the second ever day at Law School and bonded over our mutual dislike of most of the other people in our class (that’s a bit where I’m not being specific, I mean most, not all, so if we’re friends and you attend
Law school with me it’s safe to assume I’m not referring to you.) We both loved pie and chicken burgers with a cheese slice and charity shopping (as long as it ended in a pot of tea and a big dinner in a Yates’). By way of explanation, this paragraph sets out why it’s impossible to highlight- or rule out- who a blog post’s about at all times. Frankly, it’d get ridiculous.
Sometimes friendships just don’t work out, though. For a number of reasons; you move away, you grow apart, a misunderstanding, several misunderstandings, an argument that isn’t resolved.
And this week I was thinking about how the ending of such a friendship, is much like a break up.
It came to me when I was sad. I had a little cry in the bathroom, despite having told Samantha only minutes earlier that I was “fine.”
There are stages of a break up, that mirrored my emotions.
An exchange of text messages, usually one or both parties saying things they don’t really mean. Often, one saying things they don’t mean and the other things they do (that’s when it’s really irreparable and it’s not going to be one of those painful on/off, will they/won’t they situations.
The Facebook Delete
This sets it apart for the traditional “falling out” and indicates the real start of the end.
Speaks for itself. You’ve been buddies for years and it’s all over.
Apologies. Texts. Blah blah.
You decide that you respect your friend enough to leave the ball in their court, rightly or wrongly. In many ways this might be seen as cutting your nose off to spite your face.
You go about your daily business. Sometimes things remind you of your friend, you try to ignore it.
Reconciliation (or at least being civil)
After a while, you might get back in touch. It’s unlikely to be the same as it was, but perhaps you can put it all behind you. You try not to mind too much when you see snaps of them with their new bestie, doing the things that you used to do..
The thing about being a grown up.. Is you can’t be friends with everyone forever, I guess.